"I will skip the ball, have a place for you to stay and yes we can rent an old Fiat to remember those days," wrote my friend. He was referring to the 20th reunion at INSEAD since graduation. I told him I was unsure of going, this was his answer. A few years back, when a Palestinian admit struggled to pay her tuition, three of my Israeli classmates accepted my challenge and contributed over 2000€ for her tuition. I matched it. A classmate introduced me to Vipassana that changed my life. Others have prepared me for a move to a new country, welcomed me and my family with open arms no matter which city in the world we are in, or which generation they belong to.
Every morning of a Vipassana retreat includes chanting. These are not rituals but specific themes related to practice, each day focuses on wholesomeness that leads to peace. Day Eight is a story on friendship. Prince Temiya feigned paralysis for years to avoid a throne. His friendship with the charioteer Sunanda saved his life. The poem describes what loyalty earns. Food, honor, radiance, abundance, welcome, and roots. Every verse ends the same. Yo mittānam na dūbhati. He who does not betray friends.
INSEAD, as in the stories described, helped me experience this. I can extend this to the city I was born in, Kovai, or the country I have spent most of my adult life in, Switzerland. Each of these communities have a very strong idea on what belongs and what does not. Most of what I received, or gave, in these friendships came from one connection with one person. This also makes it easier when I disagree with a practice inside a community. I see it as one individual at a time, not the whole group. Connections are built this way, one at a time, on merit, not by merely following a protocol. Authentic connections, not rituals.
Coming back to the reunion, a large group still overwhelms me, especially now, while I am making big changes in my life. Many of my classmates are surprised I have never been to the INSEAD Ball. Feedback, even from people I admire, can trigger my inner critic more than it should. So even with many secure connections in the room, the size of the gathering was reason enough to stay away this time.
A large group will cost you more of me than I have to give. I do not fight this anymore. I make peace with it. One day it may soften. Until then, let's stay in touch, give it time, and you will have my loyalty the way Temiya had Sunanda's. I will remind myself to read the person in front of me, to give together rather than lead. One classmate, one charioteer, one Fiat ride at a time. That was always enough. You never needed to be at the ball to matter to the people in it.